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"It's Time" Day 1

Updated: Jan 14, 2022

I know what you're probably thinking - a blog? Really? Like, really?


Are we back in 2007, sitting in our parents house with our giant, boxy computer, pouring our hearts and souls out on Tumblr?


Honestly, I wish.


In 2007 I was in 7th grade. It's kinda cool because starting in first grade, my school year matches the actual year. For example, in 2001 I was in first grade, in 2002 I was in second grade, etc.


(Now that I type it out...not sounding so cool haha).


Even though middle school is a time of puberty, awkwardness, and weird interactions; for me, it was also a time of new found freedom, beautiful friendships, and loads and loads of

TACO BELL.


Yeah, there were the occasional embarrassing moments, but I grew so much in those three years and that is when I began to find my own voice and sense of humor.


Okay, gotta tell one embarrassing thing from middle school..

So...

When I would have to walk home from school..., I would strap up my backpack as tightttttttttttttttttt as it would let me and would SPRINT. not jog. not run. SPRINT. home.


And do you know what for?


So I had time to bake muffins (boxed) before my favorite show came on.

Monk.


You remember - the one where the detective man was struggling with OCD but is amazing at his job? So good! But at the very beginning of each episode, they show the murder scene. So if you miss it - you are confused the whole episode!! Its 2007 - there aint no Hulu or Netflix. If you missed it.. you missed it.


But yeah.


Enough about Monk (okay but really - if you haven't watched it, you really should).


Anyways, I just look back at that time with such happiness because of how carefree and in love with the world I was. I really liked trying out new sports and doing them just long enough to get decent.. and then would quit.

BUT it was less about quitting and more about exploring new things!

I was in love with the world.

Soberly too.


I remember the days feeling like they would last forever.

16ish hours to play, read, bike, talk to friends, explore!

The options were endless!

One of my ultimate favorite things to do was to swing. I don't know if it was the cold air that would hit you when going up or the fact it kind of felt you were flying. But I was able to release all the tension and anxiety I picked up from the day and just swing. Sometimes I would day dream, or think of the animals I would adopt in the future. But a lot of times, it was just a moment of silence.


No one could talk to me. No one could bother me. No one could take that moment away from me.


Okay mini story time.

(My Grandmother loves to tell me this one.. and yes.. I call her "Grandmother" -story for another time).

When I was about 5, my grandparents took me to church in Texas where my family is from. Afterwards, on the car ride home, all I could think about was that giant green swing set in their backyard. Excitement rushed over me as we turned the street corner and I could see the red-bricked house. As my Grandmother looked over and saw the readiness in my eyes she said:


"Chandler, remember, you must take off your church clothes before going on the swing set".


Oh yeah Grammy. Is that right? -thinks mini chan chan


[[Now imagine. Car pulls into the driveway. Bigdad (yes that is my Grandfathers nickname we call him - again - story for another time) baby Chandler opening the mini van door with all her might]]

-sprinting like her life depended on it-

-straight for the swing set-

-while simultaneously ripping her dress over her shoulders, then head, then onto the patio-

-leaving baby Chan's naked buttcheeks exposed for the world-

[[No one ever said I had to put clothes back on after taking my church clothes off - mwhaha]]


Anyways. Today. January 10th 2022.

Routine: I wake up. Go to work. Come home. Sit on the couch. Crack open a cider. Go to sleep.

Repeat.


Sometimes it differs.

Maybe I'll drink Sangria instead of cider.


I know I can get my lazy butt off the couch and go do stuff.

But there's a little things called anxiety - which is like a grey clouded demon that fills my body with discomfort and hinders me from doing things. I can sometimes suppress it with meds or self-soothing, but sometimes it seems out of my control.

It's like I am locked out of my own body and brain.

Just be happy.

How is it that hard?


You know one thing that is hard.


Meeting people! (lol)


Is meeting new people terrifying for anyone else besides me?


My friends always make fun of me because I dislike MOST hugs (I will get into that later),

and for women, you are expected to hug instead of handshake for some reason…

but for me, I have the clammiest hands ever - so honestly, hand-shaking is no better.


“Hey new person, you want the world's most uncomfortable hug or a sweaty-ass handshake?”

“Neither?” is what the answer is.

But unfortunately society tells us we must do one of the two options when meeting new faces.


The tension in their forehead from wanting to wipe their hand on their pants after the shake is strong.. and truly embarrassing. I CANT HELP I GOT SWEATY HANDS YO... well my doctor did tell me there's medication but i'm on enough anti-anxiety medication I don't need to add to the pill pile I get to enjoy every morning.


Maybe the only good thing to come out of Covid is the non-touching of new people.

FREEDOM!

Anyways (I told you I was bad at introductions).

My name is Chandler Williams (girl…and no…I was not named after the show “Friends”.)

I am still confused.

People think my mother would actually name me after a male sitcom actor?

I guess people don't meet a lot of “Chandlers”.

I think I was named after a GIRL actress in some movie…I will ask my mom and get back to you.

Oh! And she is a bad-ass lawyer who didn't want employers to judge my resume based on my gender. Unfortunately, that is just the society we live in.


I want to keep this somewhat short because no one got time to read a lengthy, sappy, auto-bio-esque blog.


So.


I think I need to go sober. At least take a break from alcohol.


Let's just say the reason why includes a sprained ankle, an angry rant, and much much more.


But that is for another day!


But today, here is a photo of me from way back when. A time of freedom and lots..and lots.. of random photo shoots.


That's me. In the blue.


Horribly straightened hair that my friends told me "looked so cute".


Did not look so cute.


But honestly, one of the best years of my life.


Not a care in the world.


I want to get back to that feeling.

Let's see (:


1-10-2022

Chan

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